The Secret Resolution

Artist's impression.

Yesterday I mentioned that I had made a resolution for the New Year. It's probably a bit different from most of those made at this time of year, since it doesn't involve a shred of self-improvement. I know I need to lose weight and buff up a little - that goes without saying - but this is something that is really going to raise the standard for the rest of the population. I'm going to start running over pedestrians.

I need to stress to begin with that I don't drive. I cycle. At least I will from Tuesday, when I can no longer use the excuse that I'm on holiday. Simply walking around in Central London has become such an ordeal, due to idiots not looking where they're going, that taking to the roads as a harbinger of death seems to be the only reasonable alternative.

As a cyclist, one notices very quickly how few pedestrians pay any attention to traffic lights. Last year, if someone strayed into my wobbling path, I'd shout at them and try to swerve out of harm's way. They would often respond by stopping and slowly turning to look at me as I closed the gap between them and the afterlife, hurling dopplering yet colourful abuse as I did so.

No more. The line is drawn here. If you're going to step into the road without looking, you're endangering not only your own life, but that of any approaching cyclist - a person protected only by a helmet and possibly (but not in my case) some padded clothing. So I'm going to aim for you and not offer any warning. This way I get a soft landing on your stupid face and body and you get taught a lesson about why you should have listened to the Green Cross Code Man. Hey, don't blame me. I was the one with the green light.

I bet you think I'm joking, don't you?