Operation Brainmess

Who's seen Brighton Rock? No, the new one. Go on, put your hands up. Really? That few? Hmpf, kids today, I don't know.

Okay, so did you watch the credits? Any names on the crew leap out at you? How about Rowan Joffe? No, not the Orange guy. Yes, I'm sure he does know when he's been Tango'd. Go and sit in the corner.

Joffe has a bit of a pedigree, as he's been producing interesting work for film and television for the last decade or so. He wrote and directed the "recovering paedophile" drama Secret Life for Channel 4, co-wrote 28 Weeks Later and adapted the novel A Very Private Gentleman as The American for George Clooney. The interesting part is that he seems, according to Wikipedia, to have appeared on the scene almost spontaneously in 2000 - something that ties into his heritage.

His real pedigree lies in his parentage. His father is Roland Joffe, a successful BBC television director in 1970s who broke in film in the middle of the following decade. He achieved the impressive feat of landing Best Director nominations at the Oscars for both his first two films, The Killing Fields and The Mission, but things have sagged for him since then. He was the original director of Super Mario Bros, before being separated from his job,and his follow-up was a remake of The Scarlet Letter with Demi Moore in the lead. It was laughed out of cinemas. His last respectable film was Vatel in... 2000.

From the Oscar-nominated
director of "The Mission"

My theory is somewhat radical, I'll admit, but it does fit the facts. It seems fairly obvious that Joffe Sr. transplanted his mind into that of his son at the turn of the millennium, possibly in accordance with some pre-existing prophecy. His career since then has been beyond embarrassment. A US-Russian torture porn flick called Captivity, which had its billboards removed in Los Angeles for being offensive, and leading Joss Whedon to accuse the producers of mysogyny. Another Russian film about phoney lesbians T.a.T.u. starring paparazzoid nobody Mischa Barton, which has struggled to get a release in its home country. Most startlingly, a film about the founder of weirdo Catholic sect Opus Dei - produced by members of Opus Dei.

Short of some horrible blackmail plot, there seems to be no reason for Joffe Sr. to be making these films - unless he is doing so without a controlling intelligence. With his son's body as his puppet - and who is to say that it really is his son, it could just be some unfortunate street youth - he can create a new career, safe from the stains of his previous work, while his name is used to produce weapons-grade bollocks. Yes, I have seen Captivity. No, you don't what to see a film where someone is force-fed their own liquidised foot.

But surely, the ultimate proof is this - Can you prove it didn't happen?

You can go back to your seat now.